The Uniquely Neurodivergent Challenge of Understanding People’s Emotions
SUMMARY:
If you’re a neurodivergent, “Gifted and Talented” type of human, trying to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” can be a complicated proposition. You are more likely than a neurotypical person to ascribe a more complex motivation to someone’s actions or behaviors than is actually present. You’re also more inclined towards Negative Intent Attribution - meaning you’re more likely to attribute more negative and less positive intent to peers.
Keep reading to learn more about how “thinking differently” can cause us to misidentify others’ motivations, and how we can work with our brains to co-create emotionally-healthy communication and connection.
Do you ever find yourself in the shower, or on your way to Starbucks, having “arguments” with someone who isn’t there? Or overthinking why someone is acting a certain way - basically becoming a deep Reddit conspiracy-theorist of human motivation?
Based on being a person and having been around other people my whole life, I’m going to guess your answer is, “Yes, of course. Doesn’t everyone?”
Yes, we do. We’re social creatures by nature, and are therefore deeply invested in understanding the intentions motivating other’s decisions, actions, and behaviors. We rely on each other for physical and psychological safety; our very survival depends on our ability to understand and collaborate with each other.
So we find tools to explore what’s happening - why is someone else treating us a particular way, why can’t they remember this thing that’s important to us, etc. Shower conversations, venting with friends, trying to put ourselves in another person’s shoes to better understand their “why” - these emotional processing mechanisms help us let off steam and (ideally) get to the root of the issue. Leveraged intentionally and constructively, these tools can be really helpful.
There are also a number of potential downsides to the internal process of trying to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes”, to better understand the intentions that are driving their thoughts, words, choices, actions, and behaviors. For example, it doesn’t generally benefit you or improve the relationship if none of the “difficult conversations” you’re having make it out of the shower and into real, healthy communication with the other person in the relationship. This is something that most of us probably know, intuitively if not consciously.
The purpose of this article is to discuss a different potential downside that doesn’t come up nearly as often, because it applies primarily to “gifted and talented” neurodivergent people.
I was inspired to write this after watching - and deeply resonating with - a TikTok (from Dr. Joey, Autistic Psychologist @nd_psych) that a neurodivergent friend shared with me.
A FEW IMPORTANT NOTES BEFORE WE CONTINUE:
The rest of this article focuses primarily on Autistic and ADHD (or AuDHD) neurotypes, and the example below is from my own lived experience.
I used the term “Gifted and Talented” above as an invitation to all the folks who were given that label growing up, before getting (or giving themselves) a late Autism/ADHD/neurodivergent diagnosis as adults. The term is in quotes because it’s problematic for a number of reasons I won’t get into here, and it’s not a term I use outside of recognizing that many of us have a shared history of being simultaneously told we were “better than” others AND “lazier, weirder, more socially inept, etc” than others. These contradictory labels have led, for many, to emotional burnout and self-esteem issues that can make it hard for us to clearly identify what traits or challenges source from our unique brain wiring vs from our shame soft spots about perceived character defects.
From here forward, I will switch to the term “Twice Exceptional” or “2e” , which I’ll define below.
Let’s back up a bit to explore some aspects of being “Twice Exceptional” (intellectually gifted and neurodivergent) that can set us up for relational misunderstandings and conflict.
“Neurodivergent” fundamentally means “different brain”, and refers to folks who have actual neurobiological differences, including autistic and ADHD individuals, as well as those with learning or developmental disabilities (such as dyslexia), or mental illness (such as bi-polar disorder or schizophrenia).
Neurodivergent people literally “think differently”. Our brains are distinct on a cellular level, and as a result, we process and respond to information, emotion, and stimulus differently.
“Twice Exceptional, or 2e, refers to intellectually gifted [people] who have one or more learning disabilities such as dyslexia, ADHD, or autism spectrum disorder. Twice-exceptional [people] think and process information differently…[and] may be more emotionally and intellectually sensitive than [people] of average intelligence.” (Source)
If you are a “2e” neurodivergent person - particularly if you are autistic or have ADHD - you likely:
Have significantly more synaptic connections, resulting in what I call “matrix brain” - a type of systems- and pattern-oriented processing that results in the ability to connect dots and draw conclusions that may feel like an intuitive leap to a neurotypical brain.
Have an extremely strong, underlying, logic-driven need (and desire) for things to be fair and just. This is called “Justice Sensitivity”, defined as follows: “…people who experience high justice sensitivity have a stronger tendency to notice and identify wrongdoing and have more intense cognitive, emotional, and behavioural reactions to perceived injustice. Additionally, “justice-sensitive people … ruminate longer and more intensively about experienced injustice than less justice-sensitive people”
This is often paired with a heightened emotional sensitivity overall - particularly to rejection or perceived judgment. If this is news to you, Google, “neurodivergent, Highly Sensitive Person (HSP), Rejection Sensitive Dysmorphia (RSD), and/or Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA, also more accurately described as Pervasive Drive for Autonomy)”, and get ready for a wild identity ride.
Have extremely deep empathy that is frequently missed or misinterpreted because our neurobiological and processing differences cause us to experience and express emotion differently than neurotypical people.
To cope with the constant stress of navigating a neurotypical (and deeply illogical) world, many of us have learned to protect ourselves by pairing our pattern-identification skills with emotional hypervigilence. In other words, we pay more attention than most to how others are feeling, because - depending on your cultural, institutional, or familial context - being able to read people can be a matter of literal life or death.
For example: If you misinterpret anger as confusion, and try to helpfully explain something, you could end up coming across as condescending and accidentally inflaming the other person. (The stats on how many neurodivergent POC with higher support needs have been killed by cops, because they didn’t know how to process a particular direction or social cue, are horrific. That’s a topic for another post.)
Related to this, many Autistic (and otherwise neurodivergent) people experience what has come to be called the “double empathy problem” when engaging with neurotypical people. (Read more about this, and how it has come to replace the widely criticized “Mind-Blindness” theory, which is not what this article is discussing or espousing.)
Experience difficulty with emotional regulation, which is part of our delightful “free neurodivergence bonus package”, the Executive Dysfunction Suite. (I sometimes compare it to Microsoft Office, because it helps me remember that executive functions are programs my brain sometimes doesn’t have the resources to run, not inherent character or personality flaws.)
If you’re a neurodivergent, “2e” type of human, trying to “put yourself in someone else’s shoes” can be a complicated proposition.
For all the reasons described above, you are more likely than a neurotypical person to ascribe a more complex motivation to someone’s actions or behaviors than is actually present. You’re also more inclined towards Negative Intent Attribution - meaning you’re more likely to attribute more negative and less positive intent to peers.
A Brief Case Study:
The emotional dysregulation that comes with ADHD makes me feel less than my favorite self pretty regularly, even though I have the knowledge and tools to understand what’s happening and eventually re-regulate myself. So I’ve definitely both started (WHY, brain?) and had to put out a few fires as a result of misapplying empathy or mis-ascribing motivation or intention. To check myself before, as they say, I wreck myself.
I’m going to share a pretty personal example, because I believe that we need to share our real experiences - even (and maybe especially) if they’re challenging. That’s our shortest path to the shared goal of learning how to work with our brains, in order to cultivate the most connection and do the least harm.
A Real-life Example -OR- What happens when an overwhelmed mom-preneur, A Fake Covid Exposure Threat, and an AUDHD Brain walk into a bar…
Last year, my assistant texted me at 5am on a Monday morning to tell me that she’d been exposed to covid. This was supposed to be her first day back after an unexpected, 2-week family leave. Rowan Coaching is a small business, so I just took on the work she normally did while she was gone. This meant I’d spent 2 weeks doing a lot more with a lot less - all with whatever preschool plague flavor of the week was going around.
Suffice to say, that text was NOT how I wanted to be starting our week.
The situation got progressively more aggravating through the day, after she asked me what I would like her to do (get tested and quarantine alone). I called her to discuss during work hours (knowing that texting emotionally-charged conversations never end well).
She didn’t pick up. My brain lit a match, and check its gasoline inventory.
Eventually she replied (by text) that would be back to work the next day, then went no contact for the rest of the day. On her first day workday back after two weeks.
I was exhausted and overwhelmed, and my fairness/justice brain lit on FIRE. Talking about, “YOU ALWAYS SUPPORT HER, YOU MADE IT WORK FOR TWO WEEKS, and ***THIS*** is how she shows up for you?! She obviously doesn’t care about you the way you have actively cared for her. This is intentional disrespect. Now she’s going to expose your kid to covid? WHAT IS HAPPENING AHHHHHHH…”
When she did show up the next morning, she didn’t apologize, wasn’t wearing a mask…I was at a loss. Her story and subsequent actions didn’t make any sense to my logical brain, and the stories I was telling myself to explain that dissonance weren’t helping.
Confused, hurt, and pissed off, my already volcanic brain blew up and spewed deeply unhelpful, hot emotional lava all over the situation. Which, to no one’s surprise, immediately made things worse. A few minutes in, I realized the conversation was quickly developing serious “things neither person can take back” potential, so I went to my office to cool off.
Angrily muttering, “use your freaking TOOLS, Colleen,” to myself, I sat down and forced myself to name the things I knew to be true about my assistant: she’s an awesome, loyal, compassionate person; she’s been super reliable outside this emergency leave (which again, wasn’t her fault); she generally works hard and tries her best; and she’s basically still a kid herself. This prepared myself to have a calmer, more constructive conversation later that day.
In the second conversation, I also made sure to ask direct questions about the parts of her story that didn’t make sense, rather than continuing to make assumptions.
It turns out that she was still struggling emotionally with the family situation, but didn’t think she could reasonably ask for more time off work, so she faked the covid exposure to force a needed mental health day(s). She admitted that it was unprofessional, and that she felt really bad, which is why she showed up the next day armed with no mask and a sincere hope she wasn’t going to get fired.
She apologized. This allowed me to douse the justice league inferno in my brain, and reconnect to my favorite self: someone who is able to both set and maintain reasonable professional boundaries and someone who can hold space for the difficult emotions her friend and employee was navigating.
By the end of the conversation, we both acknowledged where our communication or actions were unhelpful or unprofessional. We both got clarity, agreed on some more helpful communication tools and policies, and reconnected.
Here’s where my a(u)DHD brain got in my way:
I was already overwhelmed and dysregulated when this happened. I knew that was affecting how I felt, but I didn’t fully account for how that was going to negatively color my thinking.
I ascribed a WAY more complex motivation and intentionality to her choices than was actually present. She wasn’t considering any part of the situation in the complex, interconnected way that I was. Her life just got real life-y for a minute, and she was struggling to find enough resources to show up. She still made some super unprofessional choices, which we addressed - but I had her why totally wrong.
My extreme empathy dial was turned way past helpful. So I was taking in all her big feelings, but not receiving her actual message. I was getting all noise, and no signal - like she was speaking into a too-loud microphone.
My extremely directive fairness/justice compass reacted to my invented, contrafactual motivation with a black and white, “burn the ships!” approach. I wasn’t yelling or violent (never ok), but I was definitely feeling ready to hit the proverbial mat. The predictable outcome was both of us getting further dysregulated - and losing more and more PFC access - until the conversation became entirely unproductive.
Here’s what I could have done differently, to work with my A(U)DHD BRAIN:
I have a rule for myself, which is, “No important or difficult communication when you’re emotionally dysregulated, under-resourced, or by text.” I completely ran roughshod all over that rule - I think because this started so early in the morning, when I was still groggy and hadn’t yet taken my meds. (Note to self: add to rule, “No difficult communication before you’ve taken your meds and eaten!) The better choice would have been to ask my husband’s support in getting the covid-related facts that keep our family safe (we work from home), and to minimize my own interactions with her until I was more regulated and able to communicate clearly and professionally.
Remind myself that “stop overthinking it” isn’t just good advice for everyone, it’s necessary advice for neurodivergent people like me - because a lot of the people we work with, love, and otherwise interact with simply do not think the same way we do. As a result, their logic, motivation, and intentionality is often not what we think it is - especially when we’re doing that thinking while dysregulated or under-resourced.
Remind myself that I don’t have to choose between listening to my super-connected, intuitive brain and being my favorite self - unless I’m feeling hurt, judged, or taken advantage of. In those cases, showing up as my favorite self means recognizing that I’m going to need a minute to turn the volume down on my threat alarm before I regain access to my thinking brain. In the same way I know not to trust anything my brain tells me on two days before my period, I know not to trust my brain when I’m feeling threatened. (This is good advice across the neurodiversity spectrum, but is especially important if your neurotype comes with executive dysfunction challenges.)
Here’s what I ACTUALLY DID to resolve the situation in a CONSTRUCTIVE AND psychologically safe way:
Recognize when my emotional dysregulation was shutting both of us down (and causing a whole new set of problems), and take some time in my happiest regulation space (my office) to cool down, ground, myself, use my tools, and…
Remind myself to focus on what I know for sure, instead of relying on what my already overwhelmed brain was spiraling about. Sometimes baby needs to get put in the corner. To chill tf out.
Talk the situation through with someone who has no investment in the outcome, to get some help untangling “what I thought was happening” and “how I felt about that” from “what was actually happening,” and “what is the most productive way forward”. I talked to my therapist in between conversation 1 and 2, which helped a lot.
Have a calmer conversation that focused on using “I” statements to share my experience, instead of accusatory “you” statements. For example, I said, “I was really hurt by what I perceived as a lack of care, particularly following a month of our going above and beyond to support you. I was also feeling really overwhelmed, anticipating the impact your absence was going to have on our completely stacked week. So my reaction to what happened yesterday was not just about what happened yesterday. It was the final straw that took me from an already underwater 9 to an over the top 10.”
This is a nonviolent communication tool that is SUPER helpful in emotionally-charged situations, as it focuses on connecting and vulnerably sharing the one thing we truly own - our lived experience, instead of focusing on “you did this or that”-type statements that provoke defensiveness and obstruct actual communication.Genuinely apologize for my part in the conflict, and do the work to figure out what went sideways, so that it doesn’t happen again.
Come up with, share, and agree on a clear set of updated communication policies, to help us avoid future misunderstandings and conflict. These policies include things like, “When communicating about something that is going to prevent you from showing up to work during scheduled hours, please make sure your phone (and ringer) are on, so that we can have those conversations by voice instead of text (as tone is much harder to read in text, which can amplify any misunderstandings),” and “All job-related feedback will be provided in-person and during work hours.”
If you’re Autistic, ADHD, or otherwise neurodivergent, I’d love to hear from you!
Does this resonate? Does it help you see anything from a new perspective or perhaps offer you some relief via shared understanding or normalization? How does your experience differ, and how do you support yourself to limit overthinking, in order to cultivate connected, secure (personal and professional) relationships?
